Sunday, February 4, 2007
|This Is My Life, Rated|
|Take the Rate My Life Quiz|
Thursday, February 1, 2007
10:01AM - February already?
Valentines day is just around the corner. This is Leah's first real Valentines day with her love, not her father. This is my first Valentines day that I get to plan for my lover. I'm excited yet equally nervous, but I'll shall take pictures. Oh boy, I'm really lovestruck. For example when I'm around her I can't stop staring into her eyes. I mean she is just so beautiful to me. I love the sound of her voice. I love her soft skin, her soft touch, her.....everything. I dream her at night, I think about her during the day. Oh God, I am in so much love.
Anyway, I did get "f@$ked up" for the first time this weekend. I drank plenty of liquor, and I had plenty of.....well you know I was high enough to touch the sky. Anywho, surprise surprise I'm actually a relatively competent drunk. Meaning I'm not one to be messed with. My girlfriend and I were both surprised at my behavior, but once she gets drunk she gets DRUNK. You know the good part, I actually woke up the next morning with no hangover. Yeah, I was a little bit sluggish, but uh I was not in any kind of pain whatsoever. Leah on the other hand was hung over for majority of the day. HAHA!
My brother loves the fact that I'm gay, and not afraid to mention it. I've even got a new nickname, "Danny." I don't like the nickname, but I guess it's the male teenage spin off of my middle name. I'm so happy he's not freakin out anymore. Thank the Lord.
"Ciara you are such a sweety"
Sunday, January 7, 2007
11:11AM - What's up?
I'm trying to figure this out myself. I am currently in a serious relationship with Leah. She is my life blood, the one and only person keeping me in Atlanta. She makes me happy, gives me some purpose,and frankly rocks my world. I'm restarting school this week. Georgia State University will be my second home for the next 2 or 3 years. I'm seriously considering getting my teaching degree. I just want to make a difference. I don't want to sit in an office all day. I don't know, something about business just doesn't seem to fit me. Maybe I should do both. We'll see.
I'm evolving AGAIN! It is time, no..... it has been time for me to do things I want to do. I want to live my life the way I see fit. I must admit ever since I changed my life philosophy I've been much, much, more happy. Ok so dad is finding it hard to grasp the concept of no control over me, but he'll get over it. He has no choice, I'm not giving him the kind of pull he had in my past.
Moving out. Yes I am. Hopefully by the end of the month I will have found a place I can afford. I'm not looking for alot of space, I'm looking for my own space. A place to sleep, eat, study, and play. Yes, in that order. I want a place where I can be me, myself, I, Jesse, C.J., Tristan.....ooops am I rambling. I want a desk, couch, and bed. That's about it. The simple life, yay! I think my life will improve immensely when I move out. No more awkward silence.
I'm coming out! This is the year. I'm gay. I have chosen to live a gay lifestyle. BUT I did not choose to be gay. I did not wake up one morning and decide to be attracted to women. I woke up one morning and decided to act on my attractions. I am not contagious. BUT I AM GAY! I am the same person I have always been just happier because for once in my life I feel almost complete. Now to just get that across to my dad. Whoo! Soon, very soon.
I miss my best friend. I wish she could see me now. Love you Amber. I love love you Leah. I want to hug you Reggie.
"I'm going to buy my boyfriend a hard drive for his birthday."
P.S. Sex is not bad, not bad at all.....
Sunday, December 24, 2006
3:14PM - Career Thoughts.....
Career Inventory Test Results
personality tests by similarminds.com
Monday, November 20, 2006
2:54AM - Still a virgin!
Not that my sexual status is a bad thing. I'm just horny as hell. I broke up with my girlfriend after she had an affair with her ex. She calls me at least five times a week to tell me we need to get back together. I just can't bring myself to do it. I know she'll probably hurt me again. I was on the rebound about two weeks ago. I was on the path to ruffneckville! I met this other chick 2 nights after my emotional break-up. I was about to lose my virginity when my head suddenly cleared. I realized this tattooed and pierced beauty was not for me. I mean how can I go from no strength to extra potent in 3 days. Ok, so I'm single again, but instead of waiting around for something to happen, I'm lookin. Guess what! I will find it. Yes, Sir or Mam.(Dramatic Whining) AMBER WHERE ARE YOU! I NEED YOU! (Dramatic Whining)
"All I want you to do is be my love."
Tuesday, October 10, 2006
Friday, September 22, 2006
7:53PM - I'm a woman now baby!!!!!
|You Are A Woman!|
Congratulations, you've made it to adulthood.
You're emotionally mature, responsible, and unlikely to act out.
You accept that life is hard - and do your best to keep things upbeat.
This makes you the perfect girlfriend... or even wife!
Thursday, August 10, 2006
9:33PM - How's this for a response?
| You scored as agnosticism. You are an agnostic. Though it is generally taken that agnostics neither believe nor disbelieve in God, it is possible to be a theist or atheist in addition to an agnostic. Agnostics don't believe it is possible to prove the existence of God (nor lack thereof).|
Agnosticism is a philosophy that God's existence cannot be proven. Some say it is possible to be agnostic and follow a religion; however, one cannot be a devout believer if he or she does not truly believe.
Which religion is the right one for you? (new version)
created with QuizFarm.com
Monday, July 24, 2006
1:54PM - Love?????
Okay so um.....long time no entry, my bad. How is everybody? I have numerous crushes, but currently no loves. Hmmm, what shall I do? First comes Alexis AKA Alex whom I find absolutely adorable. She thinks the same of me, but um I'm no good at playing games. I mean one day she's all over me, the next she's ignore me. I care about her, and she's care about me.....I think, but um our relationship is already so complicated that I just don't think I want to pursue this game of love chess with her. Oh my she is so hot, so petite, so gorgeous. Moving on, meet Marlon. A petite hard body. I mean he is literally the same height as me, but his strength is remarkable. I call him my nubian prince. He's dark and gorgeous, intelligent and beautiful. BUT he definitely has short man syndrome, you know he tries too hard to be manly. Don't tell him I said that. Not that you'll ever meet him. I like him to pieces, but he seems to be a bit of a smotherer. I don't want to get back involved in this type relationship again. I need room to breathe. NEXT! Nikki, been there done that, but now she's back. I admit I still am smitten and hope to God I don't make that too obvious. I might get transferred into her department, and she made it very clear that a reunion might be in the works. I mean the hugs, the kisses, the promises of happiness to come. The promise of spending more time together. The flame that was washed out by myself last year might be rekindled and I did not even know it. Her blond hair, her deep blue eyes, her petite 27 year old body. This is beyond a crush, this a true infatuation. I don't know what I'd do if what I think is about to happen, happens. I hope I'm not in love, because I'm no good at hiding that emotion. (Deep exhale) Oh yes, don't forget about Andrea AKA Andi, great personality no control over it. Yes, I have crush on her, but it is waning. Her red hair, oh her red hair! It shines in the sun, clear light brown eyes, subtle features, and her caring nature are all things I like. But her heart seems too desperate, which kinda scares me. I want her, and yes she wants me, but I don't want someone who is needs me, I want someone who just wants me. I do not want to be a necessity, I just want to be a privilege. Sounds kinda cocky, but I don't mean it in that way. I mean I want to ensure that my lover can live without me. I don't want to be the driving force in their life, but Andi tends to think that way of me. I care about her, but I'm not ready for have her be the one and only I care about. Unfortunately, I've already taken on that role in her life.
Love is a maze is with tons of directions to go in.I guess you never know if your going the right way until you see the big in end sign. Which to me would be a great beginning.
"It's just a little crush. Right!"
Tuesday, May 9, 2006
Most of the time the generic brand of a product works just as good as the name brand. Just because I am falling apart does not mean the world is collapsing with me. Plan ahead even though I may not know what to expect. Paying bills on time some how creates the illusion to companies that I want more bills. Being your manager's pet will get me promoted. Listening to someone's uninteresting stories can accidentally create a unwanted friendship. Being upfront and honest with romantic interests makes having romantic interests much easier. The only way to truthfully keep a secret is to keep it within. Silence is more of a communicator than words. Life is expensive. Siblings are a time capsule into my past. Having two fathers is better than having just one or none at all. Touch is not lethal, just dangerous. Falling in love happens more often to me than I like to admit. The clothes I wear gives the world clues as to who I am. I am more intelligent than I think I am. Skateboarding is not as dangerous as it looks, BUT it does hurt to fall. Helmets are overpriced. Having a flamboyantly gay boyfriend comes in handy when needing to fend off avoidables, and picking out middle aged women's birthday gifts.
"There is a lot more where that came from."
Monday, March 27, 2006
2:17PM - Bracing for Spring Break!
Here it comes, one of the hardest work weeks of my life. Morning shift at Toy R Us, then early afternoons to evening at Sixflags Over GA. I shall be running like a chicken with their head cut off for 10 days straight. Wish me the best! Anyway, what's up everyone? I've been working as much as possible. I mean working! For the next 4 months I'll be doing the best I can to work as much as possible. Plus if you know me, you know I'm a perfectionsist type worker. So.....not only am I working hard, but I am trying to be perfect which in turn stresses me out, thus causing complete exhaustion. WooHoo! I've got today through Wednesday off then I begin. I'm scared. No nervous. Yeah nervous.
Oh yeah, I got the power steering hoses on my car replaced, so now my car is whizzing around corners just like in the good old days. I've got to file my taxes for sure. Me must hurry so I can find out if I'm going to be happy or pissed off. Yeah this um section of this entry is very random. Oh yeah, I'm watching this new show called "Big Love" on HBO. It about this polygamist and his family. I mean the show makes you wonder why any woman would ever want to share their man. It seriously makes no sense! Plural marriage is not for me. Ewww.....but hey the is show fun to watch, so I shall continue enjoy watching these people suffer. I've decided to try diffrent products over the next 4 months to see which I prefer. So far, I actually prefer generic Mac and Cheese than Kraft. The scent of Gain is more refreshing than Cheer. Last but not least I love texture of Oil of Olay's Quench to Nivea's Body Lotion. This whole getting a life turns out to an interesting, yet fun experience.
"My family is leaving next week for their vacation, nudist camp time!"
Wednesday, March 8, 2006
12:07PM - Good Day Mate,
Hello everyone. Everything is great now that I have a permanant escape plan. In a few months I will be gone with the wind! No more ATL, that's for sure. Love the boys, but it's time for me to move away. So now I'm just tweaking out the plan, and getting some funds. Then I'll be on my merry way. GA has been good to me, but it is time for me to go. Oh yeah, CO was great. My best friend was great as usual, and her family rocked as usual.
"It is time for me to pilot my life."
Type to you later,
Ciara D Atkins
Saturday, February 4, 2006
3:57PM - Can't wait to go!
This coming Saturday will answer a lot of questions about my best friend. Like where does she live? What's the mood there? How is she really? Does she look the same or has she changed? You know questions on that level. Here's the big one: Has she changed, or is she somewhat the same person?
I got to get away before I snap my brother's neck like a twig. I must admit that gives me some kind of sadistic pleasure. The boy means well, but he needs to understand that personal space is not just something he desires. What about the rest of us? I don't know if I can put with him much longer. Happily the boys will be gone as soon as get back from CO, so that means I get the house to myself. Yippee! An even longer breather is such a blessing from God. Being the most open-minded person in my household is not easy. I just don't feel at home here. I find myself growing closer to my bio-dad. Unfortunately the man is all the way across the country. I mean the man just knows me, he doesn't even have to ask me a question, he just knows there is something going on. My dad dad is just not someone to talk to. I mean he's someone I feel I really can't relate to. It's kind of sad, but I've grown used to it. I guess people just grow apart. Although it's hard it the cards I've been delt.
It's sad that most outsiders appreciate me for who I am, meanwhile I can't be myself in my own house. I've got to go. SOON! Hell, over the next 2 weeks I'll have to time to evaluate where I stand with some issues, and make some firm decisions. I know I'm a geek. I know I'm not the most trendy person, but I never thought that was bad thing. I still don't, but hey you'd think my father would look farther than what meets the eye. I mean I really don't think that my dad dad knows me as well as my bio-dad. To be honest maybe he doesn't want to know what's underneath exterior. Heck, it's not like I'd tell him. Talk about a waste of energy.
Sixflags starts ASAP. So that excites me deeply. Not only do I get to go back to my world, I'll be out the house for 12 to 14 hours a days. Yippee! I find the less time I spend at home, the easier things are while I'm at home. I got a big promotion this year so I feel honored yet nervous about the new responsiblity. I hope I will be placed back on a coaster since that's my area of expertise. But I'll be grateful for any position I receive.
Hey yo, Anonymous we need to narrow our apartment search so we can get this together. So buzz me ASAP so we can discuss our plan of attack in the "New World." It's time to go for it! I've got to go!
"Music expresses emotions better than words. Don't you agree?"
Saturday, January 14, 2006
Looking at a reflection in the puddle below her feet, she sees someone, but is unsure who it is. Looking in a mirror early in the morning, she watches as she combs a stranger's hair. Writing an entry in her journal, she observe in horror as she signs the entry to a name that does not belong to her. "I don't know what happened, but I cannot remember who I am. I don't even know who this body belongs to anymore." She felt fear unlike anything she has ever before. Her heart, she could hear beating in her ears. Her mind racing, wondering how much longer she could on in an existence that was fictional. "Who am I? Am I real? Am I alive, or just a body with no soul?" Questions bogged her down. Her heart began to sink. Finally a fatal switch was about to triggered.
"Your mother was never that way. Why do you dress like that? Why don't you have friends? Who have you become? You need to grow up and change. When are you going to realize the person you portray is strange and unacceptable? You know most young women just aren't like you. I mean they look and act more put together more.....normal." She took these question and comments into consideration. Unfortunately after several attempts to change who she was, she came to the realization that the harder she tried to change to this man's idealism of what a 20 year daughter should be, the more confused and distraught she became. " You're no knockout. Why can't you be hot like other chicks? Shemale. You should've played football in highschool, my bad you didn't go. It's not like it would've made a difference you would still have no friends, and would've been considered an outcast." Tears always seemed to be burning in her eyes. Her heart always felt as though it was on fire. Her mind raced in all directions. And she.....well she felt lost. "How am I supposed to portray myself when all versions of myself are unacceptable? Am I really no good? Am I really.....just really? She felt hopeless. She had lost herself not that she wanted anything to do with the person who was no good. The people closest to her had not noticed that she was no more. In her mind she felt betrayed and angry. "How could you make me suffer and then leave me to die? How could you beat someone to death, and when they haunt you from the other side not see them in distress? Why would you do that anyway? It is not as though I ever you treated with such disregard for your feelings and emotions!"
"What's wrong? I can read some stress coming from you. As a matter of fact it's all over you. Talk to me, tell me what's the matter." She turned down the proposition, seeing as it was too late. She had bled to death in the view of everyone who was important to her, and yet no one but a person whom does not know her at all came to her aid. Unfortunately, by the time this person had come in view of the attrocity, it was too late. Her soul had gone, to where she does not know, all that remains is her body full of the negative emotion that has been forced into it.
Ciara D Atkins
7:34PM - Hmmmm.........
I sometimes wonder how one is to escape from themselves when they've grown so close to their within. But then I come back to reality and realize alot of people don't need escape, because they feel right at home. I am really quite unsure if option B is who I am, but I am pretty positve that would be the truth of the matter.
I am in the process of making life changing decisions.(YOU KNOW REALITY SAYS THAT THE SIMPLE DECISION TO BRUSH OR IGNORE YOUR TEETH IS A LIFE CHANGING DECISION) I must decide whether or not to experiment with something very intimate to me or ignore my urges like a good christian. I have an urge to have something I've never desired in the past. Wait, I take that back. I have desired this, but I wasn't sure what to make of my wish. Now, I have to decide if I really want to have this desire so much that I might risk my Christlike values. Not that have a good amount, but that I am trying to be somewhat of a role model.
My cousin and I are making preparations to jump from the nest and hopefully have the abilty to fly away. I am going to CO so I can visit someone very dear to my heart. But the trip is already costing me, because family relations are becoming f#@ked up. I need to get away from this for a little while. I mean I need to iron out some details of my life in some fresher air than Atlanta's. I also think my father needs sometime away from me.
My one and only new year resolution is to not eat when I'm not hungry. I know if I can crack that habit I'll lose my excess weight alot faster.
It's almost time for another season with Sixflags. I am most definately looking forward to being back in the crazy atmosphere where there is never a boring day. Plus I really miss being around my rides on the daily basis. I'll probably be eating my words in April, but heck I might as well go in with a good attitude. Check out this:http://www.sixflags.com/parks/over
"Another year of up and downs, both physically and emotionally. Good luck to all involved"
Sunday, November 27, 2005
Anywho, I'm trying to figure out my financial plan for the next year. I'm quite unsure what to do with my incoming money. I mean I know I need to save money for my relocation. But who said you can't have fun along the way. My brother and I are finally starting to have some sort of connection other than punches and kicks. Plus I've gotten so busy I hardly even noticed my father's sickning antics towards his girlfriend. I mean things are finally starting to figure themselves out. BUT my computer Lord bless it has once again decided to die on me. I say F*@k it. I think I going to save up for a new laptop, preferably Alienware. We'll see I know I need something speedy and dependable.
Moving on, the Toy R Us gig is working out, but I must say I still hate retail. I'll stick with my career in entertainment. I think that is where I belong anyway. There is something about customers who come in looking for a human punching that sickins me about my job, I just haven't figured it out yet.
I did see the new Harry Potter. I was entertained I must say. But it was definately missing something. I can't quite put my finger on it. But I must say.....oh nevermind.
Happy belated turkeyday to everyone, and an early Merry X-mas just in case I don't write before then.
"This world is full lovin and joy throughout."
Monday, October 24, 2005
5:12PM - It is time
We must learn to grow into ourselves. We cannot and will not allow the pressure of this world or so-called
society to change who we are. I am one whom believes that through layers of harden souls and pain, there
are people who realizes the structure of society is for those who minds have fallen into the trap. The trap
is a delusion that shows a life of mediocrity as normal. Feeling content is how everyone should be, with
moments of sadness, happiness, and anger. I believe the Lord himself put us on this earth for another
purpose. A purpose in which few have discovered or understood. We must unravel the truth. What truth you
ask? The truth about ourselves. Please I beg of you, do not buckle and fall to the depths of what people
call life. I say live! Live! Be free, feel free! There is more to life than being so caught up in society's
day to day affairs. Do not forget the bigger picture. I believe that once we all see the bigger picture, a
world that looks no more civilized than gigantic ant colony, we will see restraint is nothing but a
probable cause to the mediocrity we feel. I do believe that when we say, "There has got to be more,
something more to life." That yes, you speak truth, but you must find what that is. You cannot be afraid to
seek your true pleasure in life. I do believe that once we find what is true to ourselves that mediocrity
melts away, leaving us with a sensation in life that one cannot described in words.
Thursday, September 22, 2005
7:01PM - It's been awhile
Hello, how's everybody doing? Yep, I'm still at home, but not by my own doing. I had to help my father out. He needed a nanny for the fourteen year old known as my brother and I was the perfect applicant. So I'm here for a little while, I'll live. I took about a month off from the "Super Park of the South" and relaxed. Then I got a letter in the mail from them begging for me to come back. So here I am back at Sixflags operating Superman Ultimate Flight once again. Heck, life is mellow. As soon as my cash flow picks up I'm going to start traveling, and getting my credit score up. (BTW, it's at 44 do to a recent trip to Wild Adventures.) Whoa! You didn't think that I was talking about my financial credit did you? Anywho, I miss my man. We spoke on the phone last night, and I was reminded just how much we have in common. Oh, I must see him again. Reggie, my love, my nag, my future spouse whom I can't believe I will probably end up marrying. Amber! Amber! I'm going crazy without you! Everytime I watch an amime I think of you. Everytime I want to build a fort I think of you. Everytime I get a craving for a White Castle I think of you. I miss you! (So much) Aww shucks, life is such a.....a.....um.....oh, who cares? My sims say hi!
"Where is my brain when I need it?"
Sunday, July 31, 2005
10:41AM - Woowee.....
Wow this summer has flown right passed me. Everything moved incredibly problem free this summer. I had one job, worked about 50 hours a week, got a promotion, politely declined due to no time to learn the testing manual, and still had to preform the promotion's responsiblity because they needed me. Woowee! Now I'm off to Orlando tomorrow to make a final decision on a apartment. I'm in talks with Disney about my latest full time job, and UCF about attending next year with a possible schlarship. Woowee! There is too much going on. But hey, when else in life will I have the energy to conquer the world? I haven't seen either of my GA buddies. I haven't had time to call my relatives in CA, and my BF in CO is starting scare me.....AGAIN. So as I can tell life is just peachy. I caught my ride on a rocket ship, and now I'm flying to God knows where! Oh yes, and on the day I put in my two weeks notice, I was offered another promotion, with a huge jump in pay! Don't worry I politely declined, and thought to myself now I'm to Disney World to do grunt and start my career all over again. Woowee!
I have started a new neighborhood in the Sims 2. Caprice the town of idealic romance and shattered dreams. Unfortunately, my time is so limited that I just don't have much in it yet. I think the story or soap opera I'm about to create will be mmm...mmm...good!
Oh yeah, and I have fallen in love with stand up roller-coasters. They are so freakin awesome! I mean everything flows right to the heart. I mean it is such a unique.....Woowee!
"Be careful what you wish for, because it will come true."
Wednesday, May 25, 2005
All I can say is hold on, and give me a few minutes to think. You know when one person thinks there is one common goal, and there only a certain amount of time to attain the goal? BUT there is another person who doesn't quite have the same time frame in mind, but the same goal, things tend to clash a bit.
Please understand I thought a commitment had been a long time ago to attain THIS goal, over a certain period time. I had doubled, no tripled checks that both parties understood the commitment being made. Now when one of the parties starts to show uncertainty tendencies that can lead to the destruction of the entire scenario, I'm gonna get nervous. Especially when the goal trying to be obtained is one of those life changing goals, one in which can effect both parties finances, credit, and emotional well being. Oh yeah, anybody that knows me knows I am one to prepare for any known situation all too well. But imagine if you will, a completely new unknown territory, one in which I have no clue what is going to be thrown at me. Of course I'm looking for the most trustworthy path to take, ESPECIALLY considering this is a huge step! When one party is not sure if they can step out there, and leaves the other to take the unknown on there own, there is going to be a bit of paranoia that develops. Ok, so that means that me one of the parties involved will essentially over prepare, and begins to feel like they must prepare for the other uncertain party to completely back out at anytime. Make sense yet?
Yeah there is still the commitment dwelling in the air, but one starts to wonder if the other party is uncertain now, how are they going to develop a sense of trust on THEIR OWN! If they are unsure now, who says they are going to improve later? They sure as hell didn't. So why should I believe them?
You're right I trusted you to handle your end of the deal as discussed, and now you call me about a pool table and tell me you may never arrive? How am I supposed to react to this? Happy? I don't think so, you should know I don't work that way. I like work before play, let's get serious then let our hair down. I expect promises to be kept, and if not kept properly modified to the new commitment. Not a promise that turns into "I don't know, it's up in the air for me, or I'll handle my end from a distance and then decide if I'll make it." Guess what, once you do these kind of things, my intuition becomes clouded! I get worried, and slowly but surely the "I don't knows" will be prepared for, meaning I will begin to take you out of the equation all together. Not that I want to do so, because I was hoping you would come and enjoy a few more years with me, but if you can't commit yourself to your own goal, you're "I don't knows" become my weery,"I don't know either."
I do love you, and I do you trust sometimes..... but I guess this our first major test to see if we can make it to the real world in 1, let me say it again, 1 piece! You may offer your hand, but to me it looks kind of unstable. This sums it up, until you can steady yourself, I don't know how you think you can help steady us in the endeavor we BOTH signed-up for.
"I'm so sorry, truthfully I am." Tearfully.....
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